You are not alone if you are concerned about discussing death with your children. Many people hesitate to talk about death, particularly with kids. But death is an inescapable fact of life. We must address it, and so must our children. To help them, we must let them know that it is OK to talk about it.
Children often discuss death in their own time, such as during play or spontaneous moments. Follow the child's lead during these meaningful moments.
By talking to our children about death, we may discover:
What they know and do not know
If they have misconceptions
Have fears or worries
We can then help them by providing information, comfort and understanding. Talking does not solve all problems, but when you don't, it limits your ability to help.
What we say about death to our children, or when we say it, will depend on their ages and experiences. It will also depend on our own experiences, beliefs, feelings and the situation.
Some discussions about death may be prompted by a news report or a television program and occur in a relatively unemotional atmosphere. Other talks may result from a family crisis and be charged with emotions.
Children are aware
Long before we realize it, children become aware of death. They see dead birds, insects and animals lying by the road. They may see death at least once daily on television or in video games. They hear about it in fairytales and act it out in their play. If we permit children to talk to us about death, we can give them needed information, prepare them for a crisis and help them when upset.
Encourage communication
Show interest in and respect for what they say
Be open, honest and comfortable with your feelings
Communication barriers
Many people tend to avoid discussing upsetting topics, yet this silence doesn't mean we aren't communicating. Children are keen observers; they interpret messages from our expressions, posture, and gestures. We communicate through our actions, words, and what we leave unspoken.
When we avoid discussing troubling issues, children may feel reluctant to bring them up or ask questions. This avoidance itself sends a message to a child. It can amplify their worry because a child's fear of the unknown can be scarier than facing reality. They might start imagining the worst-case scenarios or constructing incorrect understandings.
Conversely, confronting children with information they may not comprehend or wish to know isn't advisable either. With sensitive topics, we must strike a delicate balance that encourages open communication from children. It involves the following:
Being sensitive to children's desires to communicate when they are ready
Maintaining an openness
Listening to and accepting children's feelings
Offering honest explanations
Answering questions in simple language appropriate for their age
Perhaps most difficult of all, communicating about death involves examining our feelings and beliefs so that we can talk to our children naturally when opportunities arise.
Not having all the answers
When talking with children, many people feel uncomfortable if we do not have all the answers. Young children expect parents to be all-knowing, even about death. But death is life's greatest uncertainty. Coming to terms with death can be a lifelong process. We may find different answers at different stages of our lives, or we may always feel uncertain and fearful.
Adults with unresolved fears and questions may not know how to provide comforting answers for children. It's best to be honest; "I just do not know the answer to that one" may be more soothing than an explanation.
Children usually sense doubts. No matter how well-intended a white lie may seem, it can create uneasiness and distrust. It may help to tell our children that different people believe differently about death. For example, some believe in an afterlife, others do not. By indicating your acceptance and respect for others' beliefs, it is easier for children to choose beliefs comforting to them.
Overcoming taboos
Death is taboo, and even those with strong beliefs may avoid discussing it. Once, death was an integral part of life. People died at home, surrounded by their loved ones. Adults and children experienced death together, mourned together and comforted each other.
Today, death is lonelier. Many people die in hospitals and nursing homes where they receive the extensive nursing and medical care that they need. Their loved ones have fewer opportunities to be with them and they often miss sharing their last moments of life. The living has become isolated from the dying.
Consequently, death has become an added mystery and, for some, an added fear.
Many people are beginning to recognize that treating death as taboo does a disservice to both the dying and the living. Efforts are underway to increase knowledge and communication about death to overcome the taboo. For example, the hospice movement allows children and adults to die at home beside their loved ones, pets and other favorite things. It may be frightening for parents to think about a child dying at home, and by contacting the staff of a local hospice program, families can obtain the help and advice that they may need.
Research shows two factors influence children's conceptions of death:
Their developmental stages
Experiences (including environment, prior experiences, and ethnic, religious and cultural background)
Death is a natural ending to the life of every living thing. The sadness surrounding dying can best be handled by caring for one another, either by providing care to someone ill or just being there.
Developmental stages
Preschool children: Usually see death as reversible, temporary and impersonal. Watching cartoon characters on television miraculously recover after being crushed or blown apart tends to reinforce this idea.
Ages 5 - 9: Most children begin to realize that death is final and that all living things die. But they still do not see death as personal. They harbor the idea that, somehow, they can escape through their ingenuity. During this stage, children also tend to personify death. They may associate death with a skeleton or with the angel of death. Some children have nightmares about these images.
Ages 10 through adolescence: Children fully comprehend that death is irreversible, all living things die and that they, too, will die someday. Some begin to work on developing philosophical views of life and death. Teenagers often become intrigued by seeking the meaning of life. Some adolescents react to their fear of death by taking unnecessary chances with their lives. In confronting death, they try to overcome their fears by confirming their "control" over mortality.
It is vital to remember children develop individually and have different ways of expressing and handling feelings, including:
Asking all kinds of questions about death
Being unconcerned about a grandparent's death but reacting strongly to the death of a pet
Never mentioning death but acting out their fantasies in play
Pretending a toy or pet is dying and expressing their feelings
Play "death games" with their friends by taking turns dying or developing elaborate funeral rites
No matter how children cope with death or express their feelings, they need sympathetic and non-judgmental responses from adults. Careful listening and watching may provide essential clues to learning how to respond appropriately to a child's needs.
Challenge of talking to a young child
Communicating with preschoolers or young school-aged children about any subject can be challenging. They need brief and simple explanations. Using concrete and familiar examples may help. For example, explain it in terms of the absence of familiar life functions: when people die, they do not breathe, eat, talk, think or feel anymore. When dogs die, they do not bark or run anymore; dead flowers do not grow or bloom anymore.
A child may ask questions immediately or respond with thoughtful silence and return later to ask more questions.
Each question deserves a simple and relevant answer
Check to see if a child has understood; young children are sometimes confused
Children learn through repetition, so they may need to repeat their questions and listen to them answered repeatedly
As time passes and children have new experiences, they will need further clarification
It may take time for a child to understand the ramifications of death and its emotional implications fully. A child who knows Uncle Ed has died may still ask why Aunt Susan is crying. The child needs an answer. "Aunt Susan is crying because she is sad that Uncle Ed has died. She misses him very much. We all feel sad when someone we care about dies."
Sometimes, it may be difficult to understand a child's question because it may seem shockingly insensitive to an adult. For example, "When will you die?" means a young child may perceive death as temporary. While the finality of death is not fully understood, a child may realize that death means separation, and separation from parents and the loss of care are frightening.
Being cared for is a realistic and practical concern, and a child needs to be reassured.
Ask them to clarify. Consider asking: "Are you worried that I will not be here to take care of you?"
Reassure appropriately. "I don't expect to die for a long time. I expect to be here to take care of you as long as you need me, but if Mommy and Daddy die, there will be lots of people to take care of you. There's Aunt Ellen and Uncle John or Grandma."
Euphemisms confuse children. Avoid stating:
"Eternal sleep" or "rest in peace"- As a result, a child may become afraid of going to bed or taking naps.
"Went away" – This may make a child wary of brief separations.
Telling children that sickness is the cause of death may also create problems if the truth is not tempered with reassurance. Preschoolers cannot differentiate between temporary and fatal illnesses, and minor ailments may begin to cause them unnecessary concern. When talking to a child about someone who has died due to an illness, it's helpful to explain only a severe illness may cause death and, although we all get sick sometimes, we usually get better again.
Statements such as, "Only old people die," or "Grandma died because she was old" can lead to distrust when a child learns that young people die, too. It might be better to say, "Grandma lived a long time before she died. Most people do live for a long time, but some do not. I expect that you and I will both live a long time."
Religion and death
Religion is a prime source of strength and sustenance for many people when dealing with death. But, if religion has not played an essential role in the family's life before death, a child may be confused or frightened by the sudden introduction of religious explanations or references. Children tend to hear words literally, and spiritual explanations that comfort an adult may unsettle a child.
Also, mixed messages are confusing and may deepen children's apprehensions and misunderstandings about death. For example, a calm statement, "He is happy now," when coupled with tears, may confuse children.
Regardless of how strong or comforting religious beliefs may be, death means the loss of a living being. It is a time of sadness and mourning. It is vital to help children accept loss and grief. Attempts to protect children deny them opportunities to share feelings and receive needed support.
Sharing feelings and religious beliefs helps if done with sensitivity to how children perceive and understand what is happening. It is essential to check with them to find out how they hear and see events around them.
Opportunities in daily life
It is usually easier to talk about death when we are less emotionally involved. For example:
Take opportunities to talk to children about dead flowers, trees, insects or birds
Examine dead plants to insects
Discuss what happens physically to dead things
Although this interest may seem repulsive or morbid, it is a way of learning about death. Children should not be made to feel guilty or embarrassed about their curiosity. Their interest may provide an opportunity to explain all living things die and make room for new living things.
When talking to a very young child, remember that only limited amounts of information can be absorbed simultaneously. The child may listen seriously to our answers and skip happily away, saying, "Well, I'm never going to die." Don't contradict the child or think efforts are wasted; a child will likely return when more answers are needed.
Other opportunities to discuss with children occur when prominent people die, and their deaths, funerals, and the public's reactions receive a lot of media coverage. If the death is violent (a murder or an assassination), then it is probably a good idea to say something to reassure children about their safety.
Common reactions
The child may not know how to behave after a death. Encourage the child to talk about feelings and to share them with you, but do not tell the child what to feel. Here are some common reactions:
Guilt. When children experience the death of a close relative, such as a sibling or parent, they often feel guilty. While most people experience some guilt when they lose a loved one, young children have difficulty understanding cause-and-effect relationships. They think they caused the death; maybe their angry thoughts caused the person to die.
Punishment. Some children may view death as a punishment. Children may be helped to cope by reassuring them that they have always been loved and still are. It may also help to explain the circumstances of the death. Children may also feel that they will die. Assure the child that the recent death does not mean that other loved ones will die soon.
Anger. Anger is a part of grief and a close relative's death also arouses anger in both adults and children because:
The person's death has caused us so much pain and sorrow
The person left us alone
Doctors and nurses could not save our loved one
We were unable to prevent the death
Children are more apt to express anger openly. Help children by accepting their feelings and not scolding them if they express anger or fear.
Regression. Children may regress into an earlier stage of development. For example, they may begin thumb-sucking, bed-wetting or need diapers. Realize that children need support through this time and that such regressions are temporary.
Depression and other behavior problems. Some children turn their anger inward and become depressed, withdrawn, irritable, aggressive or develop physical symptoms. Experts note a regular routine should resume six months after a significant death in the child's life. If these symptoms do not resolve after several months, consider seeking professional assistance (pediatrician, social worker or therapist).
After a child's death. The death of a child is particularly tragic and may create challenges for families. Grieving parents must provide for surviving children and support their grief journey. Parents should try not to:
Burden surviving children with unrealistic expectations and concerns
Idealize the dead child
Make comparisons between the children that could lead to feelings of unworthiness and increase the guilt of the surviving children
Overprotect or smother their children's efforts to grow independently
Have children over-identify with or try to replace the lost child
Should children visit the dying?
Most fatally ill people are hospitalized, and hospital rules are changing. Whether or not a particular child should see a dying person depends on the child, the patient and the situation. A child who is old enough to understand what is happening could be permitted to visit someone who has played an essential role in their life. If visits are not feasible, telephone calls may be appropriate. Encouraging a child to write a note or send a card can also help the child feel less helpless and more connected to the dying person. No child should be pressured or made to feel guilty for deciding not to visit or call.
Under the right circumstances, contact with the dying can be helpful:
It may diminish the mystery of death
Develop more realistic coping methods
Open avenues of communication
Reduce the loneliness often felt by both the living and the dying
Bring a moment of happiness to a dying person
Make a child feel useful and less helpless
A child visiting someone dying must be thoroughly prepared for what they hear and see. The condition and appearance of the patient should be described, and any sick room equipment should be explained in advance. Be careful not to state that all hospital patients get well.
Should children attend funerals?
Every society has some form of ceremony to help the living acknowledge, accept and cope with the loss of a loved one. Whether or not a particular child should be included depends on the child and the situation. If the child is old enough to understand and wants to participate, being included may help the child accept the reality of death while in the supportive company of family and friends.
Prepare them for what will be seen and heard before, during and after the services
Share that people express grief in various ways and some people will cry
The child should be accompanied by someone who is calm and who can give serious consideration and answers to questions
Never force a child or make them feel guilty if they do not attend
It is typical and to be expected that feelings and attitudes about death and loss are conveyed to the child, whether we try to hide our actual feelings or not. Consider this when deciding funeral participation and how you prepare your child for what to expect.
Sending children away from home
Losing a close family member taxes emotional and physical reserves to the extreme, making it difficult to meet everyday responsibilities. It is even more challenging to care for young children, and sometimes, we are tempted to send children to visit relatives or friends until we can "pull ourselves together." Keeping children at a distance may also be a way to avoid talking to them about death.
Careful consideration should be given before children are sent away because it is a time when they most need the comfort of familiar surroundings and close contact with family members. Even young children who do not understand the full implications of death are aware that something serious is going on. Sending them away may increase their fears about separation from their loved ones and increase their anxiety. Having familiar and caring people nearby before and after the death can reduce the fear of abandonment or other stresses children may feel.
Children mourn
Mourning is the recognition of a deeply felt loss and is a process everyone goes through before picking up the pieces and living fully again. By being open to sorrow and tears, we show children it is alright to feel sad and to cry because it is part of the healing process. The expression of grief should never be equated with weakness.
If the child shows little immediate grief, then we may think the child is unaffected by the loss. Some children are not mature enough to work through a deeply felt loss until they are adolescents. These children are more apt to express their sadness on and off over a long period and often at unexpected moments. Other family members may find it painful to have old wounds opened repeatedly. But children need patience, understanding and support.
Source: National Institutes of Health
