Grief comes to people in many forms and under various circumstances, often combining in ways that naturally lead to the need for legal counsel. Yet lawyers are not trained to recognize the often paralyzing symptoms of grief, much less to respond effectively when they do. Perhaps just as significantly, many lawyers are probably ill-equipped to recognize and deal effectively with their own grief or that of their colleagues, even when significant legal matters entrusted to them can be put at risk.
Judgment, decisiveness, energy, competency and ability to act can be impaired or temporarily destroyed by grief. It is safe to assume, however, that the majority of lawyers would have difficulty admitting – to themselves, to their colleagues and perhaps most significantly, to their clients – that they have lost the ability to function effectively because of their own grief.
Grief can disable a lawyer from functioning effectively and ethically, just as surely as alcoholism, drug addiction, depression, mental illness or aging. Lawyers are trained to win cases, rescue clients and be fully in charge. Yet, lawyers have a duty to their clients, their law firms and themselves to know how to recognize and respond appropriately whenever grief enters their professional lives.
Recognizing and responding to the grieving client
When you encounter a grieving client in your practice, a deeper understanding of grief can be invaluable. When unresolved, grief can shatter an individual’s self-worth, interfere with cognitive function and leave the person emotionally unwilling or unable to act in their best interests. Grief may even precipitate clinical depression, violence or serious physical illness.
Grief has the power to make the strongest person helpless. Given this potential impact, it is unsurprising that the bereaved client may be unable to tend to business and legal decisions, including the dispensation of wills and trusts. The challenge for a lawyer is to offer honest encouragement and patient, sensitive support.
Remember that while it's not possible to alleviate the pain, it's possible to contribute understanding, practical assistance and respect. Your client will be strengthened if you find the right balance.
Take stock of your own grief. Your first responsibility is to understand your own grief history and reactions. Every loss encountered may trigger feelings of your own. If you have unfinished grief business, keep it separate from the support you now offer. The occasion can remind you to be mindful of your grief reactions.
Acknowledge the loss and name the name. You may shy away from speaking about the loss. By acknowledging it before you say anything else, you make clear that nothing is more important. Use the specific name; it is comforting to the mourner to hear the name live on, “I was very sad to hear of Bill’s death,” or, “I’m so sorry about Jeanne’s passing.”
In early conversations, do a “memory check.” Memories are the griever’s constant companions, but sometimes they may be difficult to bear. Because of their power, memories can elicit loving comfort or stabbing pain. You might try phrases like, “I know you have some fine memories of Ruth,” and wait for what follows. If remembrances flow, add your own stories that illustrate the positive qualities of the person who died.
Honor the deceased in a meaningful way. Close friends and family members will have their own types of memorials, but a charitable donation is a welcome expression from any friend or acquaintance. Note the family’s designated charity, and if you aren’t aware of a preference, try to choose a charity that acknowledges you knew what was important to their loved one.
Use the power of touch. The mourner’s need for physical contact is powerful, as is the message this contact conveys. If appropriate for the situation and/or person, a gentle hand on the shoulder or light touch on the hand can often express what words cannot.
Be comfortable with tears. Expect tears and offer a tissue. If possible, don’t let your body language communicate your discomfort. If you are tearful yourself, you are giving the gift of genuine soul-to-soul connection. It is always appreciated and never inappropriate to be sincerely moved, no matter the relationship.
Acknowledge personal experiences. By briefly referring to your own losses, you communicate that you are emotionally available and understand the power of grief. But remember that this is not about you; it is your client’s experience that is important at this moment. Do not assure grieving individuals that you know just how they feel. Since histories and relationships are unique, you don’t really know.
You don’t have all the answers. As compassionate or resourceful as you may be, you are only one participant in the grief journey. And although many of these suggestions are part of therapeutic techniques, you are not a therapist. You may have a personal need to make everything better, or the bereaved may want to transfer the role of the person who died to your shoulders. Neither inclination is healthy nor practical. You may need to clarify – for both of you – what your role should be.
Allow a reasonable amount of time for making decisions. Big decisions are best delayed until the newly bereaved are well on their way to acceptance. Yet, there are always some choices that must be made. Describe the tasks and timelines well in advance, and work to create a calm environment, e.g., “We need to submit an inventory of the estate by May 15. We can contact the broker in March, but let’s talk about who can help you go through the household items in April to assess their value.”
Know the danger signs. The power of grief can seem jarring, so it’s natural to wonder when professional help may be necessary. It is wise to intervene if you observe the following:
Signs of drug or alcohol dependency
Deepening of extreme, exaggerated emotions
Prolonged isolation
Physical or cognitive changes
Preoccupation with death or verbalization of suicidal thoughts
Identify resources and use them. In addition to traditional local resources, such as religious advisors and licensed professionals (including psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers and nurse practitioners), the hospices in your community will be staffed with trained grief counselors who can identify even more resources in your area. Most hospices offer grief education and bereavement care as community service. If you can’t locate a program in your area, call the National Hospice Organization’s Helpline at 1-844-438-6744.
Build your own “Grief Competencies.” To enhance your skills and become more comfortable with grief, consider what you can do to build your own “grief competencies.” Start a journal, join a book discussion, share coping strategies, enhance your resource file or get training on listening skills. If you have access to a computer network, use it to create a bulletin board of ideas with your colleagues and friends.
The power of grief
While supporting a grieving client, you will learn important lessons about yourself and human nature. Your presence and your gifts will contribute to mutual healing. You will be making a powerful statement that good lawyering goes beyond the technical boundaries of the law school curriculum. Above all, you will be helping to create a climate of hope for someone who has turned to you at a time of most profound need.
Source: American Hospice Foundation
